Stuck at 23

I know that some people are lucky, they have good parents, they never want to change them even if they get the chance to. But I also know that some have it worse, they can’t get along, they don’t click, they don’t relate, and can’t relate to their parents. I’ve seen supportive parents, I’ve seen the unsupportive ones. I’ve seen the parents who talk, I’ve seen the ones who hit. I’ve seen people who can’t find peace without their parents, while others would live more peacefully without them. I wish I had the good type. I wish I had it more peaceful. I wish I had a better experience with my own parents. But unfortunately, I didn’t. And I would tell them that in the face. 

So please, if you have your parents alive, and they are the good kind, please show them appreciation and love, they deserve it! And if your parents are the other type, you keep growing, apart or away, and if you’re forced to stay, or can’t move apart, then please know that you can live for yourself by yourself, support yourself by yourself, and you can provide love for yourself from other places and other people. And when you think you’re unlucky, think that you’re at least stronger than the “lucky” ones. 

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When will the odds be in my favor?

I have been thinking too much about you recently. And today we had a good conversation together; it’s been a while. I did not want anything else to happen after that satisfying conversation. Even though I spoke more -as usual- but I realised that I really missed you and to me, that was a reward for all the ugly past days.

After it ended, it left me thinking more about you, about us and about myself. I know my feelings and I’m sure about them. But what about you? Probably, to you, I am going to be the good close friend who would always be there, no more and no less. These ugly thoughts haunted me again and started to ruin my mood again. And to stop them I had to go to sleep.

I woke up the next day. I checked my phone, you haven’t called or texted. No notifications from you. ‘As expected’ I should say. I opened one of my social media and the first post that popped to my eyes was:

It’s been a while since I’ve met someone like you. You’re respectful, passionate, driven, caring, loving, funny, charming. You’re someone I want but I can’t have. You’re someone I need but the odds aren’t in my favor this time.

Guess it is right this time. No one gets everything and regarding this whole thing: the odds are just not in my favor.

How and Why?

How can someone who you used to be one of your closest people cross you by without any word? How can your ‘every day talks and meetings’ turn to silence and nothingness? I am not talking about love and relationships only. Friends can break your heart too. How can people replace the ones who were once labelled as ‘close ones’ or ‘lovers’ that easily? How can people be this blind? How can they know that things are not okay, yet, they decide not to do anything? How can they take things for guaranteed like that? How and when and where did that gap happen? Did they really get bored? Did they want a change or they just wanted to meet new ones? They are allowed. Everyone is allowed to meet and befriend with new people, but how can they leave the old close beloved ones behind that easily? Why is it always one sided kind of suffering? Why is it always like this; one is missing more, one is loving more, one is caring more and one is willing to sacrifice more? Why don’t we move on too? How can you blame them? How do you approach them afterwards? How their talks become so short, shallow and a ‘one-word reply’ kind of conversations? How did they become people who would only approach you or talk to you only when they want something? How did you spend all this time in pain and hurt and thinking about how you’d fix it and they did not give a damn?

You ever wondered what could have been if they never met that one person who replaced you? You ever wondered what could have never changed if that day never happened?

This is not the first time. I’ve seen it before, unfortunately. I wish they never put anyone above us. I wish this world made a little more sense. I wish this world was a fair one. I wish we never get too attached. And I wish we could tell them how much we miss them. And I wish they know how slowly this kills.

 

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‘BELONG’

“You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, because the clouds let him; they don’t wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
– Toni Morrison

I know you don’t care

You don’t care, I know you don’t.

And I sit here every single day, wishing you would..

 

But you started this and that what pisses me off the most.

You were the one who invaded my world and made me interested..

 

You gave me the attention and I did not and could not do anything but give it back.

That was a mistake, I will never forget, I will never repeat..

 

I reminded you of her too badly.

That was pretty exciting to you, but not to me, especially after finding out..

 

By mistake, you said I’m like her in this and that.

You don’t remember or realize how much you’ve said so, but they were enough for making me doubt it all.

 

I wish there was no such a thing as a comparison.

I wish there was no such a thing as an attachment.

I wish there was no such a thing as loss and grief.

I wish there was no such a thing as a one-sided love or interest.

 

You did not care about me. You did not love me.

You loved seeing her in me. Again.

 

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May all your crazy imaginations come true..

A story about how to get back?

 

I used to be a good athlete, before life getting harder, before me giving up and quitting for two consecutive years. Yet, the game stayed in my blood, I was still a big fan.

It started by me watching a championship for that game. Then a familiar name pops up, with an athlete your age, your nationality, and the game gets hotter and more exciting.

Then you do your research and your stalking. You turn to FBI. And you see lots of common coincidence and stuff between you and that athlete: same hometown, same major, same sports, same age and same mother’s names (LOL). And he was at the university that your parents wanted you to move to. Now you regret it? You start thinking about the what if’s and the could have’s, if you listened to your parents, met him, got inspired by him at an earlier age, you would not have given up, you would not have quitted.

Then you realise it is too late to think about that right now..

So you decide to go and follow his youtube channel and leave a supportive message from: the game’s fan/athlete. It had to be from: the game’s fan/ex-athlete. But I kept it as ‘athlete’, since I still go to gym and workout, and my name is still on the list of that game for my university’s team, so somehow I am still an athlete?

He replies to your comment and gives you the impression that he is so down to earth and stuff like that, so you get a good feedback. And now he knows you exist. So you decide to follow on Instagram and he follows back. And you decide to ask about clubs in your hometown and he tells you about the one he practice in. It is all decent and happy at that moment.

You daydream about the day you get back in shape and maybe one day meet him in person?

But then reality knocks you down, you gotta wake up. Your friends are laughing at the stupidity that you just did. In their opinion, you showed him that you are a creep and a stalker and you really like him. But no, he is an inspiration, and yes I wish I get to know him but no it is not as stupid as it may sound to them or to him.. To me, I believed it all happened for a reason.. I still believe so..

Nothing else happens, you don’t talk about it anymore. But God, you can’t get it off yout mind..

I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be

  • Time won’t let me go by The Bravery

And I add: I am so homesick now for things I wish I could have done.

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I’d do it all so much better

  • Time won’t let me go by The Bravery

The question that resides on my mind since then: is it too late?

Think. Think before you answer as NO IT IS NEVER LATE. It would take years and years to get back, then years and years to improve and be at the top. Will you do it? Will you fully commit to it and do it? Restarting it?

Then I remembered a quote that says: If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it.

What am I going to lose out of me trying? Nothing. Then I decided to take it. Without telling the ones around me about the big vision that I have. People can get really negative and it would consume the energy out of me trying to convince them that yes I can. I decide to take the shortcut and just prove it. In the end, even if I fail, I wouldn’t lose anything.

So I would always say:

Believe in your dreams that you see when you’re asleep.

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